Day 27 No Contact. FML

Today is hard. Really hard. I want to crawl into a hole and hide for a few months kind of hard. Two days ago I was happy. I doing fine. Yesterday it hit me like a ton of bricks. I thought this was supposed to get easier. I thought no contact was supposed to heal me. Why am I getting worse? Why can’t I move on and accept that he doesn’t want to talk to me? Today I almost texted him. I stared at my phone and put it down 50 times. What is the point? Why do I feel this need? He doesn’t care enough to reach out after everything I have done, everything I have said. I loved him so much. I was my very best for him. Was too desperate? Did I try too hard? Is he incapable of loving someone who is actually good for him? I don’t want to walk away. I don’t want to give up. Giving up means he loses another person. He cuts people out so easily. War changed him and he is capable of not caring. But I am capable of loving him through it. Is that what he needs? Why is this my problem? Why can’t I just accept that he isn’t good enough for me at this time in our lives? I am very aware I deserve better. But so does he. He deserves real people in his life. He deserves love. I deserve someone to love me the way I love him. I’m not sure I will ever find it but I know I won’t get it from him. How have I not heard from him in 38 days??? He hasn’t heard from me in 26 days. Why is it not killing him? I was never as good as the last girl he loved. I was a distraction and a way for him to get laid. He has a million reasons he could reach out. I don’t have a reason but I am searching for one. That is the difference between us. He says no one ever sticks around because he doesn’t open up. Am I the only one pathetic enough to try to be here for him through anything? Am I the only girl without enough self respect to walk away? When will I stop loving him? When will I hate him? When will I swear off all men because he was so awful? None of that is happening. I even feel confident I will find someone. I just can’t move past the feeling that he is the only one I want. I miss his touch. His kiss. His looks. His laugh. His humor. I fucking miss him so much. I am feeling like I am back at square one and I haven’t even reached out. How will I feel if I do? What if he doesn’t respond again? Am I going to be ok accepting that he truly never wants to talk to me again? Will that make it easier to move on? Will it finally stop the hope I have that he will come back when the time is right? What if he does respond? What can come from that? I can’t be his friend. I don’t want to try. He doesn’t want more or he wouldn’t be letting me walk away. So if he responds where does that leave me? Back to hoping I assume because he doesn’t hate me? Maybe thinking he hates me is what is best for me. Maybe I need to wait and hope he will someday grow and miss what I was for him and he will repair what has been broken. I can’t cope thinking we will never speak again. I am not ok with that. This sucks. Today sucks.