Leaving A Toxic Marriage

It's strange how one day you can be married, raising two kids, thinking this is your life and who you are, but a few years later you wake up and remember only small pieces of the person you were. I wanted to write this post to explain my past and what led me here so my future posts make sense. This is a blog about dating as a single mom. So I am going to start at the beginning. I had my first boyfriend when I was in 7th grade. That lasted a whole 3 days. Sweet puppy love. My second boyfriend was when I was 15. That one was a whole month. He became my best friend and I was in love with him until I met my ex husband when I was 19. Since I kept hoping for him I never let anyone in and did not date as a teenager. I never learned how to love. Even worse, I never learned how to let go. As mentioned, when I met my ex (we will call him Randy) I was 19. I don't want to get into that relationship too much because this blog is about what came after him. I do what to explain what I have been through. That relationship was toxic. I never trusted him. I never felt wanted. I never felt loved. He would tell me he wasn't attracted to me because I was too fat. Anything sexually I would want to try he would say "When you lose weight." I lost site of who I was. Throughout a 12 year relationship we never had two incomes. We lived like we had plenty of money though. We didn't pay any bills but went on vacations and ate at fancy restaurants. We fought every day. Every single day. Our house was a huge mess. If I were to walk into that house now I wouldn’t be able to stay because it was so disgusting. Depression makes it hard to care. I didn’t realize I was depressed though. We fought every holiday. Nothing was ever just happy. He gave me a box of sample perfumes from Nordstrom after we had been dating for one month. I never received another gift again. After 12 years I looked through his phone and found him sexting a girl he had worked with while we were engaged. They talked about having me invite her over for dinner so they could have sex on the balcony while I cooked for them. I felt so disrespected. The next day I found out that he had a fake Facebook page where he talked to many women. I also saw that while I worked every day and he didn’t have a job he was spending 4 hours a day on the phone with another woman. I told him I wanted a divorce. He shrugged and said “Okay, but why?” I didn’t want my kids to go through that so I fought. I tried so hard to be good enough. I would send sexy pictures, cook nice dinners, anything I could think of to make him love me again. He told me he wouldn’t stop talking to the other women until I changed because he didn’t want me. On our anniversary I got dressed up and made a steak dinner… He showed up 5 hours late and rolled his eyes that I was upset. One day we got an eviction notice. I could have figured out the money, but the landlord said if we could be out the next day he would get rid of everything left there and have it cleaned. So within 24 hours I left with my kids, our clothes, beds, and pictures. Everything else from my life was left there. I moved in with my mom. In my mind we were separated. My kids didn’t know we were getting divorced. A few months later he was moving in with a girl and introduced her to my kids…before they knew their parents were even getting divorced. It was hard. One year later they were married. They told our kids they would be flower girls but instead eloped to Vegas without our kids. Back to when I first moved out…It took about 6 months to get through the pain and open up to dating. I slept around for a few months. I feel like I was proving to myself that men wanted me. I rarely got second dates. It was all about sex. Finally I met one guy and we spent every day that week together. He moved to Idaho the next week. We were still dating and talking daily. A few months later I went to Idaho to see him. I found out quickly that he is very racist. I cried the whole drive home and that was over. 3 months later I met the second guy I would ever say the three words to. Ge gets his own post next. This post was hard to write. I hate looking back on this time. I can’t believe that was my life. That was who I allowed myself to turn into. Never again. I just want to say to the ladies living in a toxic relationship….there is better. Of course you need to look at yourself and take your own responsibility for the relationship into account. Fix it if you can. If you can’t, get out. It is scary. It is lonely. It is is hard. It is SO worth it. It only took a few months to see my kids so much happier. Leaving was the best thing I have ever done for them. Nothing is holding you back but you. Suck up your pride and get out. Find your happiness. Live your dream.