Parenting During a Pandemic Truths

I had to do two separate posts today. I am trying to keep the no contact posts separate to easily look back on that. This post is about me. I am going to be vulnerably honest. Right now I am single mom, heartbroken, working from home 50 hours a week, and have my kids home 24 hours a day because of the pandemic. To say I am losing my mind is an understatement. I am SO stressed. Every time I get focused on work they interrupt and I have to start over with what I was doing. They are 9 and 11. They are older kids and really good kids. They are still kids. They want to ask their mom a quick question. They don’t understand why they can’t. I am yelling more than ever just because of the stress. The house doesn’t stay clean, I can’t focus, they are too loud, they keep fighting, they don’t listen. Those are the things I am constantly blaming them for and it’s not fair to them. Every minute of every day I feel like I am going to break. They go see their dad on the weekends and I feel peace restored. When they come home I dread it. I can’t handle this much stress all on me. I need schools to open back up. I feel like a terrible mom. The worst part is actually having the thoughts that I wish I wasn’t mom. I often think about running away lately. I never would. I love them so much. I am the best person for them. I could never leave them with their dad. It is not a real option or something I consider but it has become a fantasy. That is new. I have never felt mentally exhausted to that point. This pandemic has been hard for everyone. We all have different struggles. These are mine. I meditate every night. I read my tarot cards, I write in my journal. I am doing everything possible to get in a peaceful headspace….and then morning comes and I am yelling again. Being a parent is so rewarding but not often do people talk about the truly challenging parts. A few months ago my 11 year old was suicidal. She has been depressed for years. She feels like we would be better without her. I know she is struggling staying home with no friends but her little sister is there 24/7. It’s hard. I know she is feeling some of the weight from me. I have to stop yelling. But how? When we are all at our limits, how do we find ourselves again? How do we become happy? I see bursts of it sometimes. I know I have it in me somewhere. My kids feed off of my energy. If I can find happiness my kids will be happy as well.