The Man I loved and Lost...

I am finally to the man who led me to wanting to blog about my feelings. Ryan. The man who taught me to love myself. The one I thought would be my forever. Clearly since I am here writing about it… I was wrong. I’m still working through this one. I will start at the beginning. July 12th, 2018 was the day I was swiping through tinder and I saw him for the first time. Woah. To say I hoped we would match is a huge understatement. He is GORGEOUS. Dirty blonde hair, blue eyes you could stare into for days, muscles galore (but not the body builder type), pure perfection. We matched and my heart leapt out of my chest. Was this real??? Is he real?? A message popped up “You have a gorgeous smile.” Who? Me? What??? He messaged first? This can’t be real!! We talked all day and we just clicked. He was so easy to talk to. So funny. He lit up my life instantly. He is a full time single dad. His sons mom is not really around and he shares custody for his daughter. His son has a blood disorder that requires shots a few times a week and if he falls and gets hurt he could die without a shot right away. He is the only one who knows how to do it. Meeting without his kids wasn’t really an option. So two days later we met at a park while his kids played. I was so nervous. We talked for a while and I drove away hoping he was still interested. I was used to guys not really wanting to date and leaving me feeling so self conscious. I quickly learned this man was perfect. He communicated so well. He talked about our future. He told me I was beautiful so often that I started believing it. If I was jealous he talked me through it. He wanted to know anything that was ever upsetting me so he could fix it. He just wanted me to be happy. I felt like I was living in a dream. There is one important detail to know about him. He was in the army and he has severe PTSD. He doesn’t get angry. He is actually very calm and understanding. He does however get very depressed and withdraws from people. My past made me skeptical of believing a guy would be interested in me and not dating other girls at the same time. So when he would be struggling and not talking to me for a few days I wondered who he was with. After 3 months my anxiety was getting the best of me. He owns a clothing company for women and uses Facebook to market and sell his clothes. So I was watching women hit on him daily. I wondered why he hadn’t mentioned being in a relationship. It was more than I was able to handle. I thought maybe it would help me to keep my options open. I downloaded tinder (after we had both decided to delete it). I swiped for a few minutes and I knew I wanted nothing to do with it. I only wanted him. Within 50 minutes it was deleted. A few minutes later I got a text from him. He thought something seemed off with me so he checked tinder and saw me on it, with the pictures I had sent him. He was done. I tried to explain. I apologized. He said I knew his trust issues and he couldn’t move past it. Then he stopped responding. This is when I took my kids to visit Brad. I was a mess. I wanted a distraction. Ryan texted me while I was there and said to let him know when I am ready to be friends. The next week we started talking again. It started to get back to normal. He asked me if I was still on tinder. I told him he was all I wanted. I was so so happy. One night I went to visit him and when I left I thought I was falling in love with him. Then he got distant again. A few days later he told me I couldn’t give him what I need and deserve. A smart woman would have walked away and this would be the end. His PTSD held me in. I wanted to be there for him. I wanted him to feel someone fight for him and love him. So we still slept together, and only with each other, for another year and a half. We were never officially dating again though. I was always fighting for him. Always waiting for this day to be the day he is ready. It never came. 5 months ago he changed. He was reaching out to me daily. He was telling me I was perfect and amazing. He made me feel loved. It felt like the beginning. It got hard not to tell him I love him. 2 months ago he was distant again. I finally had the courage to ask him if he wanted me, even in the future if he wasn’t ready. I was confident he did. I knew I wouldn’t allow myself to go back to the anxiety mess I was before so I had to ask straight up. His response was that he truly loved me but we said we were friends who have sex. There was not one day that I ever felt like his friend. I was shocked. I told him I couldn’t do it anymore. That I was in the place where I do love him and I want more. I thought he would miss me. I didn’t think it was the end. I cried the whole day. The next day I felt ok. I started to feel relief that I wasn’t constantly wondering if he would text or if we would become more. He doesn’t have any friends since he keeps to himself. I wanted to be someone that could still be his friend without the sex. I thought I was all he had. So I told him we could be friends but he couldn’t flirt with me or touch me at all. It was mostly so our kids could have playdates and he would have someone to chat with. He still hasn’t met my kids since the last time went horribly wrong. A few weeks went by and I was looking through venmo for something I had sent him and saw a venmo to a girl that I always questioned him about and he said there was nothing. It said “For a good time ;)” The date… 3 days before he told me he couldn’t give me what I need. I lost it. I told him he was a liar and I wanted nothing to do with him. We got into a big argument. The first in 2 years. A few days later I let him know about something I had to tell and we started talking a little. I told him I really missed him and I wanted to see him. He asked me how much I love him. I poured my heart out. I ended it with “I love you. I will keep saying it because I know you need to hear it. I love you.” He responded in the middle of the night “Please don’t wait for me. I’m so sorry.” I woke up to that text and my world shattered. After 2 years of patience and giving so much love, it was over. Really over. He finally released me. I didn’t have to feel guilty about moving on. I didn’t have to wonder if the minute I met someone he would be ready. He wanted me to move on. It’s a pretty long story what happened next but about one week later I really pissed him off. He was so angry. He said we shouldn’t be friends. He asked me to delete all of his pictures and messages. He wants nothing to do with me. I have not heard from him since. This was 8 days ago. I struggled last weekend. I cried a lot. He had told me he couldn’t move on from some things I had done (like getting back on tinder). I thought it would help me to write him a letter that I didn’t plan to send. I wrote my complete honest truth. I told him about my thought and feelings towards him, why I made the decisions I made, the anxiety I had for 2 years, and that I hoped it helped him believe the good in me so he could believe the good in the next person. I slept on it and the next day I realized was July 12th. Exactly 2 years from the first day I talked to him. I decided to just send him the letter. I told him I wrote it for whenever he is ready to hear it. That was the last message I sent him. That was 6 days ago. I know he is angry. I know he is going through a lot in his personal life. I don’t know when or if I will ever hear from him again. After sending that letter I felt immense relief. I said all I have to say. I am not questioning myself if I should reach out. I clearly shouldn’t. He knows how I feel. If he wanted me or if he missed me he would reach out. I had a gift for him so the last day we spoke I dropped it off on his porch. He has not thanked me. Not that I care about that. The point is that he even has an excuse to text me. He is choosing not to. We are done. As much as I feel relief I also feel so sad. My heart is broken. If I allow myself to think about it my stomach turns. I thought I would marry him. I still want to marry him. So of course…. I turned to google. This is where we get to the reason I created a blog. I was searching about getting an ex back. He wasn’t even an ex. I waiting that long and he was never my boyfriend. I gave him more of myself than I have given anyone. Including my ex husband. He was the first guy I wore lingerie for. The first guy who I felt so confident during sex that I was comfortable in being me and free. I loved him. I love him. I want him back. So we have all heard of the no contact rule right? If not, it is the theory that if you do not contact your ex for 30 days you can get them back. It’s silly, I know. I have tried it before. The longest I have lasted was 21 days. I always fail. I do feel like 30 days is enough for him to miss me, if he would ever miss me. It is enough to calm down and not be so angry. It gives him time to think about everything we have been through and what I have said to him in my letter. However, after everything we have been through…. I can’t reach out after the 30 days. I am in an indefinite no contact period. He needs to be the one to reach out. I need to know he thinks about me. I need to know this is hard on him. I can’t fall back into old patterns. I am not dating. I am still waiting in a way. My birthday is in 45 days. I am giving him until then. My birthday is a perfect reason to reach out. His son shares the same birthday so I know he won’t forget. If I don’t hear from him by then I can feel good about moving on. I have no choice but to accept his decision. There are so many articles about how to do the no contact period. But there is nothing about what you will go through. No personal experiences that were documented the way I wished they were. So here I am!!! Today is day 6 and I am SAD. I am feeling the loss of him. I miss him. Today is the first day I have struggled not to reach out. Every other day I have felt happy and free. My letter was so perfect that I think I expected it to change his mind. I am just starting to accept that he is out of my life. My heart hurts. I cry a lot. I want to go see him right this second. Instead, I am writing a blog. I am going to write about the days and how I feel. I basically ended things two months ago so I think I am less sad and this is different because I got closure. It might seem easier for me than it is for you. The first time I tried it I lasted about a week and couldn’t even sit at my desk at work without a tear falling down my face. There are different stages. This is just my current experience. Day 6…sadness.