Day 18 No Contact

I haven’t posted in a while. I tend to want to write when I am really sad and I have actually been ok. I am trying to create a habit to write more often when I am happy as well. I am now on day 18. The math doesn’t add up right? I caved and reached out to him 19 days ago. I hated the way things ended. I wanted to be on good terms. So I sent 3 simple words. “Still hate me?” No response. The next day I told him I would take that as a yes and explained I didn’t want things to end like that because it was pretty shitty. I also promised to leave him alone and thanked him for everything. It has been over one month since I have heard anything from him. It’s been hard. Each day it gets a little easier. My biggest struggle is that he hates me. I don’t do well with people not liking me. I panic. I want to please everyone. I am working on that. I had planned to wait another month and reach out after my birthday. I was going to ask if we could take a drive and just have a good memory to end on. I thought I would feel better if I knew we were on good term and there for each other if we ever need anything. I have realized that there is no point. I either want to be with him or I need to let him go. Do I even want to be with him anymore? He walked away so easily. He made me delete everything. He hasn’t looked back. Do I want someone who could so easily throw away 2 years? I would need so much from him if we were to try again. I feel like I would be asking him to change and I can’t do that. I will never go back to what we were. I am at the all or nothing stage. So why do I care about ending on good terms? I know we had so much good and I was so incredible to him. He was really lucky. He didn’t see it, but I do. I don’t need him. I have plenty of people to reach out to if I need anything. I will never just need him. He needs me. He has no one else. His family is all he has. He should not have lost me. So if I am so concerned about ending on good terms it is really only for me to be able to possibly be there for him. Why? Why should I care? The answer is that I shouldn’t. I gain nothing from that. I would know we were ok but at this point why does that matter to me? So… I am now moving on from the 30 day no contact into the indefinite no contact. I will never again be the one to reach out to him. I will not continue giving him the power. I have released him and I no longer NEED him. I still want him of course. I still love him. I hope he comes back and I tell him what I would need and he says ok. That sounds like a dream though. It’s wishful thinking and I am begin to accept that it won’t happen. I am beginning to imagine a future without him. I am growing and loving myself. I honestly learned so much from him. When I do date again I will not accept anything less than I want. If they can’t meet my exceptions I will walk away. I am fine on my own. I am actually really happy and feeling so free. I am redecorating my house to have it be peaceful and somewhere I never want to leave. I am taking a break from dating because right now I don’t even want it. I have no desire to go out with anyone. I am loving the time I have to myself and I don’t want to give that time to anyone else. I am happy being me and loving myself. I plan to finish my degree and pay off my debt before I consider dating again. I plan on that taking one year. I’m excited to grow and change. I am aiming at higher frequencies and hope to find people to join my circle who are doing the same. Peace. Love. Happiness.